3 Quick & Easy Conflict Resolution Techniques for Your Quarantine Quarrels
How’s everyone’s week 49 of quarantine going?
And by quarantine, I mean voluntarily staying at home all the time whilst the world passes by, one safe travel commercial after the other.
If your family is anything like mine, and is somehow cursed with a healthy sense of social responsibility, meal times have become sporadic and communal spaces are now the fighting arenas of choice in-between. Sometimes, hate-watching the latest tacky series on Netflix and your daily naps aren’t just cutting it anymore.
Fear not, for I am here to dispense you the tried-and-true methods of conflict resolution. Be it blood or water, your exhausted parents who thought you’d be out of the house by now or your quirky ragtag group of roommates who bemoans over delivery fee increases, trust that we can ALL get along after heeding my advice. After all, what have generations of beauty queens been effectively promoting all this time if not peace?
The Drag Race Method
For 13 seasons, Rupaul’s Drag Race has brought plenty of joy and successfully promoted queer visibility around the world. The generous serving of piping hot drama every week doesn’t hurt its ratings either. Its strategically placed rattlesnake sound effects has led to multiple Emmy wins for the show and RuPaul herself.
If you don’t happen to own a rattlesnake of your own, you can easily recreate the iconic sound with a pair of wooden maracas or an authentic didgeridoo. A puffed up Ziploc bag filled with the unwanted pieces of trail mix can work too in a pinch.
Shake, shake, shake with all of your cojones and watch the conflict slowly but surely dissipate in your home. If it doesn’t, at least you can lie to yourself that you have finally been chosen to be a reality show participant. If you close your eyes, you might find yourself taken aback to last Friday night with VH1 on.
The Mean Girls at the Cafeteria Method
A searing memory from watching Mean Girls over and over during my teenhood is a particular scene taking place inside Cady Heron’s (Lindsay Lohan) imagination. Upon seeing Regina George (Rachel McAdams) taking Aaron Samuels (that dude from Instagram who looks a little bit like a metrosexual Jimmy Fallon) back, Cady wonders what if this incident took place in the African jungles and they’re all animals. In her head, Cady leaps across the table to claw Regina’s eyes out while everybody else excitedly watches (and moos?) by the sidelines.
I’ve always thought the (already brilliant) movie would’ve been better if Cady actually does that and gets transferred to juvie by the scene after. Quick, easy, and emotionally painless, you too can explore your wild side in quarantine by facing your relationship conflicts head on.
Duke it out on your living room sofa (or a sturdy non-IKEA coffee table) with your face shields and safety goggles. You know, what you used to wear for your weekly grocery runs when everyone’s paranoid of COVID-19. Winner takes it all, you’re welcome.
The Who Cares? Method
This pandemic has given me a more acute awareness of my morality and the temporary nature of life itself. All of my anxieties and problems seem insignificant in the face of death. Who am I, a mere mortal, in the grand scheme of it all?
Who cares about your roommate’s late laundry habits? Who cares if your brother monopolies the sofa to re-watch The Office? Who cares if there are socks on the floor and crumbs on the bed?
Because in the end, none of this matters. We’re alive by the skin of our teeth, nothing makes sense in this universe and I could be a Peggy Carter-level international spy agent in the adjacent timeline. Who knows? And more importantly, who cares?